Oh-Em-Gee Watch Your Mouth! AKA How to Lose a Girl in 10 words or less.

I’m a firm believer in Karma, in “you get back what you give out”, which is why I am so troubled by the recent…*ahem* messages I have been getting from men.

For those of you just joining us I have been challenged to try internet dating, and while I have gone on some nice dates, and some bad dates (as expected); there is a trend – a very disturbing trend – lately in the messages that are coming through my inbox.

I’m not exactly sure how to explain these messages, so I will just go ahead and copy them below. Please keep in mind that these are all coming to me from different men, and that my profile clearly states that I am not the sort of girl that responds to this type of come-on (I don’t even know that kind of girl).

I feel the need to apologize for subjecting you to these, but I have to read them and I feel because of the challenge you should too:

1. “Do you taste like strawberries?” – I guess I should give him props for trying to show me he noticed my hair colour.

2. “Can I bite your bum?” – As far as I am aware there are no pictures of my ass anywhere on the internet.

3. “Can I lick your monkey butt?” – The fascination with my behind is starting to freak me out a little. P.S. “monkey butt”??

4. “Are you open-minded?” –Translation “Wanna hook-up with some random creep you met online?”

5. “Is it true what they say about redheads?” – If what they say is that you will never get one into bed, then yes, yes it is.

6. “Wanna Fuck?” – Seriously?!?!?!

7. “Ur hot, wanna meet?” – If you can’t be bothered to type an entire word I can’t be bothered with you.

8. “Do you like to role play?” – What like “rapist and rape victim”? No thank you.

And the one I received today:

9. “Are short girls really tighter?” – Oh my FUCKING GOD!!! What?!?! What sort of wild rumours go around about women in the locker room?! And more importantly what kind of person says that to someone?!?

Now, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I am not opposed to “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” and I have never been called frigid (OK maybe once). But this recent objectification is a little insane, and has me more than a little concerned that there are women out there who fall for this shit.

Yes, I may be blowing things slightly out of proportion, but keep one thing in mind – these are the last 9 guys that got in touch with me. (Guy number 10 wrote me a poem, a freaking poem, which is creepy in a totally different way.) What on earth am I putting out into the universe? OK, wait – I know, I know, a few posts ago I was complaining about a dry spell, but the ‘Gods’ cannot possibly be responding in this way? I was thinking maybe dinner and a little too much wine, not “Can I lick your monkey butt?”.

Can I take a break from online dating now? Have I finally been subjected to enough? Can I go back to trying to meet someone at a bar? At least there they try to buy you a drink before saying something vulgar. Can someone please explain the Monkey Butt thing???

I feel like I need a shower.