Happy St. Patty’s Day! March 17, 2011

Before I head off to chase Irish men and drink beer, I thought I’d wish you all a Happy St. Patty’s (or is it Paddy’s) day!

So It Turns Out I Used to be Positive? February 24, 2011

Recently I was going through some old papers and found a manifesto, apparently in my first year of university we were given a school project to come up with a manifesto as well as a logo to symbolize who we were.

If I still had my scanner I’d embarrass myself further and post up the black and grey butterfly image with an elongated abdomen which for some reason loops into an almost perfect circle. I can only assume that the butterfly image represents me growing up or some shit like that.

But since I’ve lent my scanner to my dear cousin I will (against my better judgement) share with you my manifesto. I will completely understand if you lose a little respect for me after, but I beg you to remember I was an – apparently – idealistic 18 year-old. So here goes:

She believes that you should stay true to yourself in everything you do. This means you:

1. Do what you feel is right – if it feels bad stop.
2. Go with your gut.
3. Use your freedom of thought, choice and voice wisely.
4. Take care of yourself.

Other thing [sic] She believes in:

• Smile
• Be sincere and be truthful
• Help others
• Learn as much as you can about as much as you can
• Recycle everything
• Respect your elders
• Be kind to animals, even children
• Always say please and thank-you
• Watch the sun set and rise at least once a month

OK I’ll admit it this actually sounds like really good advice, and I suppose I do agree with it still, but how did my manifesto go from this to my current one?

Well actually aside from “just get through the day” I don’t have a manifesto anymore; and while I try to “smile” as much as possible, it usually masks whatever sarcastic thing I shouldn’t say. And the only time I’ve watched the sunrise or set in the last month was from the window beside my cubicle.

Should I be jealous of my 18 year-old self? Should I decide to go back and try to live my life again by these rules? No. The truth is that I do live pretty closely to this list, but perhaps (dear God) 14 years ago I did it more sweetly, naively and with gusto.

What I do miss about my manifesto from then isn’t on the list. Apparently I mistakenly didn’t think that it was important enough to write down. I believed that you should allow yourself to be silly, child-like, have fun and not worry about looking ridiculous. I believed that you should laugh till it hurts. I’ve become too serious, too worried, too uptight.

So where does this leave me? Well, with the desire to do something ridiculous, and simple and fun. I need to loosen up and take a page from my 3 year-old nephew who laughed for 10 minutes because, when I was helping him put his jeans on he had both legs in one pant leg. His idea of a good time is to jump on the bed. Simple pleasures, simple fun and pure joy, when was the last time you felt that? I can’t even play Wii with Roomie and her boyfriend without feeling self-conscious. The weekend before last I danced in my living room, by myself for the first time in years and it felt great! Next? Who knows maybe I’ll jump on the bed.

What do you do for fun that keeps you young?

Not So Positive Dating Experiment Update – NSP Update #3 February 10, 2011

So…

I’ve done it. I’m sorry. I know this will disappoint some of you, but I have decided to delete my online dating accounts. Bye-bye, eHarmony, see you later Lava Life, Au revior Plenty of Fish, I hardly knew ye Match.com; and sainara perverts, douchebags, duds and weirdos. 

Now don’t get me wrong not everyone I met online was awful, some guys were lovely I just didn’t click with them, a few I might keep seeing, and some, some were just creepy.

I’m giving up because honestly I have never felt worse about myself, the degrading comments, the constant disappointment, and the guilt of not being able to plan to go out because I am studying. It’s too much for a girl to take. I’m not shutting down the dating or the dating experiment, just the online portion. At least in real life if a guy is a douche I can slap him or throw my drink in his face. “delete” just isn’t as satisfying.

So there you have it, online 1 – She 0. I admit it I’ve been bested. 

What else you got readers?

Oh-Em-Gee Watch Your Mouth! AKA How to Lose a Girl in 10 words or less. January 30, 2011

I’m a firm believer in Karma, in “you get back what you give out”, which is why I am so troubled by the recent…*ahem* messages I have been getting from men.

For those of you just joining us I have been challenged to try internet dating, and while I have gone on some nice dates, and some bad dates (as expected); there is a trend – a very disturbing trend – lately in the messages that are coming through my inbox.

I’m not exactly sure how to explain these messages, so I will just go ahead and copy them below. Please keep in mind that these are all coming to me from different men, and that my profile clearly states that I am not the sort of girl that responds to this type of come-on (I don’t even know that kind of girl).

I feel the need to apologize for subjecting you to these, but I have to read them and I feel because of the challenge you should too:

1. “Do you taste like strawberries?” – I guess I should give him props for trying to show me he noticed my hair colour.

2. “Can I bite your bum?” – As far as I am aware there are no pictures of my ass anywhere on the internet.

3. “Can I lick your monkey butt?” – The fascination with my behind is starting to freak me out a little. P.S. “monkey butt”??

4. “Are you open-minded?” –Translation “Wanna hook-up with some random creep you met online?”

5. “Is it true what they say about redheads?” – If what they say is that you will never get one into bed, then yes, yes it is.

6. “Wanna Fuck?” – Seriously?!?!?!

7. “Ur hot, wanna meet?” – If you can’t be bothered to type an entire word I can’t be bothered with you.

8. “Do you like to role play?” – What like “rapist and rape victim”? No thank you.

And the one I received today:

9. “Are short girls really tighter?” – Oh my FUCKING GOD!!! What?!?! What sort of wild rumours go around about women in the locker room?! And more importantly what kind of person says that to someone?!?

Now, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I am not opposed to “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” and I have never been called frigid (OK maybe once). But this recent objectification is a little insane, and has me more than a little concerned that there are women out there who fall for this shit.

Yes, I may be blowing things slightly out of proportion, but keep one thing in mind – these are the last 9 guys that got in touch with me. (Guy number 10 wrote me a poem, a freaking poem, which is creepy in a totally different way.) What on earth am I putting out into the universe? OK, wait – I know, I know, a few posts ago I was complaining about a dry spell, but the ‘Gods’ cannot possibly be responding in this way? I was thinking maybe dinner and a little too much wine, not “Can I lick your monkey butt?”.

Can I take a break from online dating now? Have I finally been subjected to enough? Can I go back to trying to meet someone at a bar? At least there they try to buy you a drink before saying something vulgar. Can someone please explain the Monkey Butt thing???

I feel like I need a shower.

I figured out my problem January 12, 2011

I grew up with a mother who constantly said “you can do anything, be anything you want to be”.

Which precisely is why at this moment I am nothing (OK well of course I’m something, even my self-esteem isn’t that bad). What I mean is, as you’ve read in previous posts I don’t have a degree or professional designation, I am not a millionaire and I do not own anything aside from a 1996 Honda Civic which by some miracle keeps running, despite infrequent maintenance and oil changes (the light goes one when it’s time right??). So how did my mother’s idealistic encouragement turn me into a single, mid-thirties college drop-out struggling to get by?

I figured it out on my commute into work this morning, I respond only to reverse psychology. It wasn’t until recently when I heard someone say it is difficult to change careers in your mid-late 30’s that I thought “oh ya… really?? Well we’ll see about that…” and I promptly went looking for a new line of work. Art Therapist? “You can’t get into the program, you don’t have a degree”… “Oh really???” And, now I find myself finally working to finish my degree. I never work harder than when told I can’t get a promotion, and I am fiercely competitive but it never comes out unless I hear “Nope, not you, you can’t do it.”

Not convinced? Well, how about a few more examples:

• I only crave junk food when it isn’t in the house, right now there is a cupboard full of chocolate and potato chips (a fact I know drives Roomie insane) and I have zero desire to eat any of it. But if it wasn’t there I would have to run out and binge.
• I have also never been as motivated to work-out as when, like now, I am injured. In fact, I am also pretty sure that my diet and exercise regime is so sporadic because I need the challenge of the impossible in order to be motivated to get (not stay) healthy. It’s not really that I am lazy at all.
• I am only head-over-heels for a guy if he only seems vaguely (or not at all) interested in me.
• I have cut and dyed my hair specifically because a boyfriend told me never to do it.
• Last semester I coasted through class until I failed my first exam and barely squeaked a C+ on my paper. Then I worked so hard I ended the class with an A-.
• Only when I feel like the pit of consumer debt I have dug for myself is too deep to ever get out of, do I stick to a budget and make head way.
• I can only afford a vacation once it is booked and the departure date is looming, until then saving seems impossible.
• Only when the mountain seems too high will I even begin to climb it (OK that is a metaphor, I think we can all guess how often I climb mountains).

Because of this pattern I find myself in a constant state of struggle, I could make it easy on myself and just stick to something consistently, but what is the challenge in that? I mean I could just accept my life as it is and be perfectly happy, but somehow I wouldn’t be. I need the challenge, the “No, it’s not going to work out for you” for me to actually make something work. It’s not enough for me to write down my short-term goals and do them. I have to make grandiose long-term plans and ignore them until the deadline is near for me to ever make anything happen.

So should my mother have said to me “you can do anything but be married, fulfilled and financially stable?” Should she have said to 5 year-old me that being a ballerina/lawyer was impossible? (What 5 year-old wants to be a lawyer anyway???) No. she was right I can do anything I want, but first I have to make it as difficult for myself as possible.

OK Fine I did a list too… January 2, 2011

Everyone and their blog has a New Year’s list… so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and do one of my own.

The inspiration for this list is my ex-boyfriend who interrupted my quiet New Year’s Eve in because, close to three years later, he has regrets and he finally needs to apologize and make amends (I asked and no he isn’t in some twelve step program). It was weird and awkward and honestly the most cathartic New Year’s Eve. I got to tell him how his actions and then lack of action affected me, and it got me thinking about all the things I should have said to people, so here you are lovely readers the “Shit I Should Have Said in 2010 List”, in no particular order:

1. No!
2. Thank you for always being there.
3. No thanks, one glass is fine.
4. I’m sorry I’d love to help but I just don’t have time.
5. I never make New Year’s resolutions.
6. I am so glad we are friends, and even though I know it’s too late, you should know that if you ever wanted to be more than friends, I’d be into that. I love you.
7. Sometimes when you are joking around it hurts.
8. I’m sorry I hurt you.
9. I need you to be proud of me.
10. You need to grow-up and stop treating people like they are here to serve you; you are selfish and frankly a little crazy.
11. I’m happy.
12. You’re not the only one dealing with shit.
13. I surround myself with the best people, thank you for being so inspirational.
14. I need you.
15. I’m having so much fun right now because of you!
16. I miss you.
17. Please help. I realize I can’t do it all myself.
18. You’re a massive douchebag.
19. You know what? I am worth it.
20. I’ll just have a salad, thanks.

So there you go, that was 2010. Now once my two-day hangover is over, I’ll be ready for 2011. Happy New Year dear readers thanks for making my first year blogging so fun!

Resolutions for 2011? Nope, although I think will order salad more often, does that count?

Is there anything you wish you’d said or done in 2010?

More Like Martha? December 16, 2010

Can I tell you a secret?

I mean we are friends right? You wouldn’t judge me… would you?

OK here it is… I LOVE Martha Stewart. Well OK maybe not Martha personally; although you have to admire someone who has built a media and ‘house-ware/crafting/cooking’ empire on less than 4 hours of sleep a night.

Specifically I love the Martha Stewart Living Magazine; I am addicted to the crafting ideas and the recipes. I got my “Martha” subscription about 8 years ago, the perfect gift from an ex’s mum. (Which she still renews every year, thank-you-very-much!)

Seeing the magazine in my mailbox brightens my day, bad days made better, and I run up to my apartment and read through the whole thing right away, while giving Roomie the highlights. She doesn’t care, not even a little bit, but I need to do it, I just get so excited!

Before you get the wrong idea about me, walking into my apartment is nothing like flipping through a Martha photo spread. Nothing at all. In fact I am sure Martha would hang up her pinking shears and hide under her perfectly made bed if she came in here.

So what have I done with the knowledge and inspiration that Ms. Stewart has imparted to me over the years? Nothing, well not nothing exactly, I have thrown wedding showers and baby showers, I have learned the proper-wrapping techniques, and that I can peel ginger with a spoon. I have used small tips and tricks here and there (and a go-to cookie recipe) but my library of back-issues has done nothing for my organization skills. (Although, last year I did file them by month instead of year, does that count?)

I have 8 years of ‘Good Things’, full of the perfect organizational tips; how to hang pictures, how to handle loose cords, how to keep your bathroom clean, your laundry room organized and on and on and on! Just thinking about it makes me so excited! So if I get so excited about this crap why can’t I just DO IT???

I’d like to think that behind the scenes Martha is a total spastic organizational nightmare like me, and that the only reason she keeps it together is because she has assistants who have assistants. I doubt, but it helps me sleep at night.

So how can I channel a little bit of my guilty pleasure and take the tips off the page and into practice? How can I actually get my pictures hung (after three years collecting dust on the floor)? How about the perfectly timed dinner? The perfectly pressed shirt? Hell I’d settle for a big ol’ basket to throw all those annoying pieces of paper and receipts that have made my desk unusable.

And Christmas… oh my god… is 9 days away and my Christmas card list has not translated to the cards, which are still in my purse, I have no idea what I am getting anyone as gifts, no ingredients for my Christmas cookies and frankly zero desire to go into a craft store during the holidays. I could really use Martha’s time management and organizational super-powers… or at least just one of her assistant’s assistants.

OH EM GEE – Dating Sucks! November 16, 2010

Ah yes I’ve been dating. *insert sarcastic tone here* yay f’n me… I remember why I stopped. It is terrible out here, it is vulnerable, it is confusing and it is…lonely.

I have been on at least one or two dates per week for the last few weeks/month. And frankly it is emotionally draining and I am thinking of ending it all and getting a cat.

First dates are like job interviews, you’re nervous, you want to say the right thing, and you want to be offered the job regardless of whether you actually want it. But the most terrifying thing to me is the few moments before your date arrives when you aren’t sure they will.

Here is a time line of my recent “date” with Will (this name has not been changed and if I could remember his last name I would tell you that as well).

Two weeks ago, we exchanged numbers, he was heading back East to see his family. We texted back and forth everyday, we made a date for Monday night. On Sunday, I confirmed we were still meeting, “Absolutely!” was the reply. On Monday afternoon he confirmed the place and suggested the time 7:30/8:00. (Now, I am always early, I don’t wear my glasses on dates so I’d rather they have to find me than the other way around.)

Since I promised I wouldn’t bail at the last-minute, I went despite the fact that I was under the weather. I arrived at 7:40 and texted him to let him know where the table was.

7:45 – No reply. Inner monologue “He isn’t coming is he? Don’t be crazy you always think that, he has 15 more minutes. What if he doesn’t come? I should have brought a book. Why won’t that girl stop looking over here and whispering?, etc.”

8:00 the waitress comes by again to make sure I am OK, pretty sure she just wants the table, and the people around me started to stare and whisper.

8:20 Roomie msgs she is leaving work, what am I doing? I am being stood up. She decides to come to my rescue.

8:30 I send Will a text, “I’m leaving the restaurant now”. Translation “You are an asshole, I’m leaving the fucking restaurant now you douchebag, who doesn’t even show up for a date after making ME promise not to bail?!?!?!!?!” I try not to wish for bad things to happen to him and I order a drink.

9:00 Roomie shows up we have a late dinner. Turned out to be the best date I’ve had in a long time. Thank God for Besties!

I’ve never been stood-up before. It is humiliating, why on earth would someone do that? How do you get back on the “horse”? How do you not take that personally? Did he show up and take one look at me and bail? Did he meet someone on his way to meet me? Did he get into a terrible car accident on the way and is now disfigured for life? (Must not think nasty thoughts…) Is he just an absolute douche or am I just a dud? Stupid boys, playing stupid mind-games. I had higher self-esteem when I wasn’t dating.

Does anyone have the number for the SPCA?

Is there really such a thing as “Bad Sex”?? November 10, 2010

“Not A Honger” (nice name BTW, love it) posted a question on my last post “And what is wrong with bad sex? Explain this to me….a guy. I guess women really do have completely different wiring than men”.

So since I am just that accommodating and I would like to stop the vicious rumour that any sex is good sex, I thought I’d help educate NAH and men like him.

So to start out, what’s wrong with bad sex is just that. It is bad. Women put a lot into preparing for sex, there is a lot of maintenance and fancy underpants, and most women read up on what men like, their turn ons etc. (Seriously try to find a women’s magazine that doesn’t have a least one article in it about “how to please your man”.) We have a lot riding on making it good. And unfortunately for men (and for us women) we can’t just “get ‘er done” like you fellas, we are in fact wired differently. The simple act of “makin’ whoppie” is not as simple as it seems to be for you boys. We need more than having our heads slammed against a head-board (not that we don’t like that once in-awhile).

I’m not saying that a quickie in the bathroom at a party can’t be fun, because, I think we can all agree that it is. What I am saying is that sometimes we need a little more that.

Now, I am no sex advice columnist and with my recent dry spell now out in the open, I am obviously not an authority on what makes good sex. So instead I thought I share a few tips from my girlfriends and myself on what makes sex ‘bad’.

You know you are having bad sex when:

It’s over before you even start:

• Girls need warm up time boys, the amount of time and type of warm-up is different for every girl, and “I can’t help it, you are just so hot” does NOT make us feel better.

It’s like you aren’t even there:

• You have to interact with the girl you are sleeping with. I know this sounds obvious, but just closing your eyes and “concentrating”, gives us time to critique your performance and you don’t want that. P.S. If the phone rings and the girl makes any move to answer it you’ve lost her and you better put something big into your finish.

The dirty talk is one-way:

• Some girls like dirty talk, some not-so-much. If you start and she doesn’t reciprocate or if she starts kissing you in an effort to shut you up, you should do just that. Oh and never just launch into calling a girl a “dirty whore”, unless you know her really well or she really is one.

It’s like a coaching session:

• We all need pointers, every girl likes something different but if she is correcting every play you make, it’s not going well. Also please note that concentrating on one particular spot gets boring for us, how can it not for you?

The question “so you watch a lot of porn eh?” comes up:

• I know what you’re thinking, some of your best moves come from porn. While it can be fun to watch and fantasize. Most girls are not porn stars-oh and little tip, the girls in those movies are ACTING (albeit not that well). Sure it can be fun to be tossed around a little, but if you are throwing a girl into different positions so much she doesn’t have time to catch her breath, she is not enjoying it.

Last minute quick tips:

• Don’t push a girl’s head down “there”, you can suggest it, you can lightly guide it. But in the end if we want to go there we will, it’s no secret boys like BJ’s, we don’t need you forcing it on us.
• We like making out!
• We do like spontaneity, but don’t mistake this for being in and out in under 30 seconds.
• Every girl is different, I know guys have much simpler needs in the bedroom and that we women are complicated, and for that I apologize, but just because something worked with your ex doesn’t mean you should insist on making it your signature move.
• Please stop slobering in our ears, I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t think it’s gross.
• If you want to know if something is good ask. If we aren’t doing something you like tell us! There isn’t a girl out there who doesn’t want to be the best.
• If you are worried she is faking, she probably is.

Again, I am no expert and I know it takes two to do the horizontal mambo. And I am certainly not saying that every guy needs to worry, but “Not A Honger” asked, so I answered.

What do you think?

Happy Anniversary? November 3, 2010

*pre-emptive warning, this post contains information certain readers may not want to know about me, so dear brother and mum read on at your own peril.*

I’m coming up on a Milestone next week. (My God it is next week already!) One that, until a few weeks ago when I shared it with a few friends, I was quite proud of. Not-so-much anymore. Turns out that I have nothing to brag about.

Literally nothing.

In a mere 7 to 10 days, it will have been…one year since I have had sex. (I warned you little brother.)

It’s funny (not ha ha funny, I’ll admit it), but until recently it really hasn’t been that difficult.

The whole thing started innocently enough, I was frustrated with the lack of…*ahem* skill… in the men I was entertaining. So I thought I would hold out until I made an emotional connection with someone, or at the very least met someone I liked enough to grab a beer with after. After a few months, I stopped noticing that I hadn’t had it, and coincidentally I started going to the gym with greater frequency.

After about six months I thought, I wonder if I could last a year? I thought to myself, “if I can last a whole year, I am sure I will can some sort of insight into who I am and what I want out of life, maybe find inner peace, like a Zen monk” And while it is true, in that time I have started exercising again and gone back to school; I have not learned a single thing about myself I didn’t already know, and inner peace is as allusive as ever.

“No shit; that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard” said my darling cousin at dinner the other night, rolling her eyes at me. “The only thing you are going to learn is that you miss having sex.” I honestly thought she was going to smack me.

And at my girly birthday brunch last week when Roomie brought it up, our friend looked me straight in the eye and said “You know after about six months you are technically a virgin again.” “So I am a born-again, virgin?” I asked choking on my mimosa (great what normal guy in his thirties wants to sleep with a virgin). “No, No” she assured me, “that sounds too Christian”.

Does “’pre-loved’ virgin” sound less weird? I’d like to think so.

OK so, if at six-months you are “technically” a virgin again, what happens after a full year?!?! And more importantly how do I get out of this terrible rut I have entered into? I don’t just want to go back to having bad sex, that’s why I stopped in the first place. At this point I need a written guarantee the guy is going to rock my world.

And yes I know I made my own bed, but am I going to be sleeping in it alone forever?