The last few months have consisted of stress, sleepless nights, stress, crying myself to sleep, self-doubt, no fun, stress, days and days (and nights and nights) alone studying, did I mention stress? I knew it wouldn’t be easy going back to school full-time, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. I thought that my part-time studies and full-time work would have prepared me for this, but it didn’t. I can’t count how many times I said to myself and to Him “I can’t do this, I made a mistake” (I’m sure he can’t either). I struggled through every class and every project, part fear of failing, part fighting to prove I could do it, and mostly just trying to keep my head above water and not quit. But a week or so after final exams, I can breathe a little easier and reflect, and this is what happened:
I had a breakthrough, an actual honest-to-God breakthrough, it happened slowly as my final marks came in (wait for it).
Now this post isn’t for me to brag to you and get you to congratulate me, or say “I knew you could do it”, this post is about me, for me; because I didn’t know I could do it. At the best of times I have pretty low self-esteem; sure I joke about how smart or funny I am, and I may have convinced you, but I certainly couldn’t convince myself.
Going back to school was the first thing I have done for myself in, well, ever. After years of trying to please everyone else I took a good look at my life and what I wanted out of it and made the decision (BIG thank you’s go out to “Little One” and Him for making it financially possible to make this happen, and for everyone for encouraging it). And yes, I was pretty proud of that, but this, this I achieved ON MY OWN, I can’t say I was just lucky, I can’t pass the success on to a team of people, I can’t say “well it’s all thanks to so-and-so” because no one else did my homework or wrote my exams. I did this, I made this happen, and I FUCKING ROCKED IT!!!!!
I can honestly say, probably for the first time ever, I’m so proud of myself and I believe I can accomplish my goals now.
So this post is to me in three months, six months, nine months, one year, two years and so on. Yes, you will struggle through, yes you will make sacrifices and yes it will be hard and there might be tears, but never doubt you can do it, because look what you did: