An Apathetic Hockey Fan in a Cup Crazy City June 8, 2011

Note – I am writing this post in my kitchen wearing my Vancouver Millionaires sweater I bought a few weeks ago, for the sole reason that if I wear something Canucks on game days to work, I can dress casually. I am not a bandwagon-jumper, an enthused fan, or a hockey hater.

Where are you watching the game tonight? What do you mean you’re not?! It’s the play-offs?!?!

I’ve heard this exact line of questioning exactly 10 times today and countless other times over the series. (Is series even the right word?)

I know this is going to make me a bit of an outcast in Vancouver but I have to come clean about something; I have not been watching the Finals, in fact I haven’t been watching all season. OK that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I have watched a few games out with friends and was lucky enough to get to go to a game this year.  But I have not stopped my life for hockey and frankly while the Canucks are facing the possibility of winning the cup for the first time, or first time in 40 years (whatever), I am facing mid-terms and moving.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t like hockey, it’s a lot fun to watch live; and going out to see the game at pubs with friends is fun, but for me that’s more about hanging out with friends and being in a room full of boys. What it is, is that I just don’t care. I don’t want the Canucks to lose, but frankly if they win it won’t change much for me either.

I live right downtown Vancouver, between the stadium and Granville street so I don’t need to watch; I hear the goals, the loud cheers from groups of people in condos and pubs surrounding my apartment, the excitement is overwhelming! The people partying in the street afterward I’m not thrilled about but I will never be one who complains about others having fun. Unless your fun is coming right into my face and screaming “Go Canucks Go! Show us your tits!” then, well then I will complain. (OK so I didn’t so much “complain” as tell him to get his drunk douchey-ass out of my face and some other choice expletives.)

I loved the street celebrations during the Olympics, the cowbell at 4 am made the next day at work at bit difficult, but I digress. This is different, without the world watching, the vibe doesn’t feel as fun, in fact at times it feels a bit threatening. Large groups of drunk men grabbing at girls on the street makes me nervous, it makes me dread the final game, win or lose. Always a few bad apples.

The real fans (like some of my amazing friends & family) are so excited. They are personally invested in “their” team and are wishing, praying, growing beards, wearing the same socks, watching with the same people; whatever they can do to bring luck to the team. I think it’s awesome, I do. But like I commented Saturday night I don’t think I’ve ever felt as passionately about anything as some fans feel about a group of guys they don’t even know slapping a puck around a sheet of ice. It truly amazes me.

With Canuck fever infecting the city, no one is talking about anything else; there is the breakdown of the game the day after. The armchair coaches talking about what should’ve happened on the ice, what bad calls the Refs made (incidentally, why would anyone ever want to be a Ref they take so much abuse), and day-of, a breakdown of who is watching where and an explanation of whatever superstition they are using to get their team the Cup. Even the local newspapers have become giant sport sections, it’s like the world has stopped outside of the rink. For someone like me play-off time can be a lonely time. I have nothing to contribute to hockey talk, fortunately to fit-in in this city all you have to say is “Go, Canucks Go!”

Re-connected May 4, 2011

I’ll admit it; I’ve been feeling pretty alone lately. Not that I’ve been alone. I’ve been very busy trying to get out and enjoy myself during my school break. I’ve had great times with friends, brief visits, shopping trips, dinners, parties, patios, it’s been awesome. But there is something I feel is missing. And before you think I am going to complain about being single AGAIN, it’s not that.

I’ve been missing the connection. You know that feeling when you have lunch with a friend and you feel full after? Like emotionally full—not full like you shouldn’t have ordered dessert (because of course you should, you started running remember?)—I’ve been missing that fully connected feeling.

This does not diminish the great times I’ve had lately, or how grateful I am to have so many awesome people around. It’s really a case of “it’s not you, it’s me”. I’m feeling disconnected, distracted, disengaged. I’m there but I don’t feel ‘present’. After so many years of focusing on other people’s happiness, I have started focusing on myself. While I am enjoying school and the brief time that I get to socialize, I feel like I am moving farther away from even my best friends. It’s true that everyone gets busy and we have to focus on ourselves once-in-awhile but I wonder, have I taken it too far? I’m so inside my own head I’m finding it hard to get out.

I used to be the person everyone called to talk to, to vent to, to ask for advice. Now, I get “oh I just assumed you were busy.” Usually this is true I am. And I am not blaming my friends for any of this, what I would like to do is apologize.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much as I used to be friends, I love you and I miss you, I miss laughing and being silly and connecting with you in more than what seems like just sound-bites. And I promise to “be there” when I am with you, to avoid distractions and focus on our time together. I am working on being fully present in the moment.

We connect with people on Twitter, email, text, bbm, LinkedIn Facebook & Skype, and still with all of the “connections” I don’t think we are actually connecting to each other anymore. I realize everyone is busy, but I am going to do my best from now on to make the people around me feel important, connected and loved.

It’s really about respecting the time I share with others.

*she

I figured out my problem January 12, 2011

I grew up with a mother who constantly said “you can do anything, be anything you want to be”.

Which precisely is why at this moment I am nothing (OK well of course I’m something, even my self-esteem isn’t that bad). What I mean is, as you’ve read in previous posts I don’t have a degree or professional designation, I am not a millionaire and I do not own anything aside from a 1996 Honda Civic which by some miracle keeps running, despite infrequent maintenance and oil changes (the light goes one when it’s time right??). So how did my mother’s idealistic encouragement turn me into a single, mid-thirties college drop-out struggling to get by?

I figured it out on my commute into work this morning, I respond only to reverse psychology. It wasn’t until recently when I heard someone say it is difficult to change careers in your mid-late 30’s that I thought “oh ya… really?? Well we’ll see about that…” and I promptly went looking for a new line of work. Art Therapist? “You can’t get into the program, you don’t have a degree”… “Oh really???” And, now I find myself finally working to finish my degree. I never work harder than when told I can’t get a promotion, and I am fiercely competitive but it never comes out unless I hear “Nope, not you, you can’t do it.”

Not convinced? Well, how about a few more examples:

• I only crave junk food when it isn’t in the house, right now there is a cupboard full of chocolate and potato chips (a fact I know drives Roomie insane) and I have zero desire to eat any of it. But if it wasn’t there I would have to run out and binge.
• I have also never been as motivated to work-out as when, like now, I am injured. In fact, I am also pretty sure that my diet and exercise regime is so sporadic because I need the challenge of the impossible in order to be motivated to get (not stay) healthy. It’s not really that I am lazy at all.
• I am only head-over-heels for a guy if he only seems vaguely (or not at all) interested in me.
• I have cut and dyed my hair specifically because a boyfriend told me never to do it.
• Last semester I coasted through class until I failed my first exam and barely squeaked a C+ on my paper. Then I worked so hard I ended the class with an A-.
• Only when I feel like the pit of consumer debt I have dug for myself is too deep to ever get out of, do I stick to a budget and make head way.
• I can only afford a vacation once it is booked and the departure date is looming, until then saving seems impossible.
• Only when the mountain seems too high will I even begin to climb it (OK that is a metaphor, I think we can all guess how often I climb mountains).

Because of this pattern I find myself in a constant state of struggle, I could make it easy on myself and just stick to something consistently, but what is the challenge in that? I mean I could just accept my life as it is and be perfectly happy, but somehow I wouldn’t be. I need the challenge, the “No, it’s not going to work out for you” for me to actually make something work. It’s not enough for me to write down my short-term goals and do them. I have to make grandiose long-term plans and ignore them until the deadline is near for me to ever make anything happen.

So should my mother have said to me “you can do anything but be married, fulfilled and financially stable?” Should she have said to 5 year-old me that being a ballerina/lawyer was impossible? (What 5 year-old wants to be a lawyer anyway???) No. she was right I can do anything I want, but first I have to make it as difficult for myself as possible.

More Like Martha? December 16, 2010

Can I tell you a secret?

I mean we are friends right? You wouldn’t judge me… would you?

OK here it is… I LOVE Martha Stewart. Well OK maybe not Martha personally; although you have to admire someone who has built a media and ‘house-ware/crafting/cooking’ empire on less than 4 hours of sleep a night.

Specifically I love the Martha Stewart Living Magazine; I am addicted to the crafting ideas and the recipes. I got my “Martha” subscription about 8 years ago, the perfect gift from an ex’s mum. (Which she still renews every year, thank-you-very-much!)

Seeing the magazine in my mailbox brightens my day, bad days made better, and I run up to my apartment and read through the whole thing right away, while giving Roomie the highlights. She doesn’t care, not even a little bit, but I need to do it, I just get so excited!

Before you get the wrong idea about me, walking into my apartment is nothing like flipping through a Martha photo spread. Nothing at all. In fact I am sure Martha would hang up her pinking shears and hide under her perfectly made bed if she came in here.

So what have I done with the knowledge and inspiration that Ms. Stewart has imparted to me over the years? Nothing, well not nothing exactly, I have thrown wedding showers and baby showers, I have learned the proper-wrapping techniques, and that I can peel ginger with a spoon. I have used small tips and tricks here and there (and a go-to cookie recipe) but my library of back-issues has done nothing for my organization skills. (Although, last year I did file them by month instead of year, does that count?)

I have 8 years of ‘Good Things’, full of the perfect organizational tips; how to hang pictures, how to handle loose cords, how to keep your bathroom clean, your laundry room organized and on and on and on! Just thinking about it makes me so excited! So if I get so excited about this crap why can’t I just DO IT???

I’d like to think that behind the scenes Martha is a total spastic organizational nightmare like me, and that the only reason she keeps it together is because she has assistants who have assistants. I doubt, but it helps me sleep at night.

So how can I channel a little bit of my guilty pleasure and take the tips off the page and into practice? How can I actually get my pictures hung (after three years collecting dust on the floor)? How about the perfectly timed dinner? The perfectly pressed shirt? Hell I’d settle for a big ol’ basket to throw all those annoying pieces of paper and receipts that have made my desk unusable.

And Christmas… oh my god… is 9 days away and my Christmas card list has not translated to the cards, which are still in my purse, I have no idea what I am getting anyone as gifts, no ingredients for my Christmas cookies and frankly zero desire to go into a craft store during the holidays. I could really use Martha’s time management and organizational super-powers… or at least just one of her assistant’s assistants.

Good Morning! August 11, 2010

I love mornings.

OK, wait.

Before I get an assault of “ummm ya right” comments from those of you that I have lived with, or am living with, travelled with, woken up next to, or know me at all—I know I am not a morning person per se.

While I am not a practicing morning person, I am an aspiring morning person.

I’ll clarify. I love what mornings should be—waking up with the sun after a restful night’s sleep; relaxing with the paper and a hot cup of tea, while thinking about the events of the coming day; a light yoga routine, shower then off to experience the joy of a brand new day. Siiiiiiiiiigggghhhh… Namaste.

This is NOT how I start my days.

No, my days start at 6 a.m. with the clock radio playing some shitty pop song, and me hitting the snooze button 6 times (or more), before I FINALLY roll my tired ass out of bed at 6:30/6:45 for a quick shower. (We have to perfectly time the morning shower routine, two 9-5 girls, one bathroom.) Then the frantic “WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR?!?!” ritual begins, with me searching—on the floor and in my closet—for something, clean, work appropriate and somewhat flattering (you never know who you will meet on the way to, or from work). Hair, make-up, pack lunch (if there’s time, and food), race to train with hundreds of other people, who frankly smell like they didn’t have time to shower. Aaaaaaarrrrghhhh… Stress! No wonder I am a massive bitch in the morning, who could blame me?!?!

Why can’t I enjoy my mornings, relax and start the day with a smile? Everyday I think to myself “tomorrow will be different; I will pack my lunch and pick my clothes the night before.” I have every intention of going to bed early (damn you John Stewart and your late night banter!) getting up on time, doing Yoga, and even *shock* having breakfast.

Hasn’t happened yet… but tomorrow could be different.

OH EM GEE – Suck it up Princess! June 28, 2010

So it turns out I’m a crier. This may not come as a shock to some of you, but it certainly came as a shock to me.

What was the moment I realized I had turned into a massive sap? When my brother started teasing me while I was sobbing at the season finale of Glee. Yes Glee moved me to tears, and not just because of the cheese factor, I was actually emotional about the story line!

It happened again only a few days later. No it wasn’t a hallmark commercial (do they still have those??), it was The Daily Show. Yep The Daily Show Special Report on the World Cup in Africa made me CRY (it’s just so great they are hosting)! *tear* WTF!!!

I have been called many things, but never a sap (mostly quite the opposite.) But, in the last few weeks it seems like I am on the verge of tears every few minutes. The birth of a baby, the struggle of friends not able to conceive, my brothers’ weddings, talking to my dad, talking to my grandmother, running out of mayo while making a sandwich, oh yes and sitcoms and satire. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH GOING ON!!!! *sob* I feel like the tin man just getting his heart and trying to figure out why his eyes are leaking.

So why this sudden out-pouring of emotion? Is it stress? Is it a lack of sleep? (Let me save you the bloody nose, before you even ask, no it’s not PMS nor am I pregnant.) Is this the new me? Will a few relaxing days before the wedding this weekend sort me out? Or, should I buy stock in Kleenex and just give up and finally watch The Notebook?

*sniff*