She's Not That Positive

I’m positive about a lot of things, in a pessimistic kind of way.

OH-EM-GEE: Breakthrough – Maybe I can do this! May 3, 2013

The last few months have consisted of stress, sleepless nights, stress, crying myself to sleep, self-doubt, no fun, stress, days and days (and nights and nights) alone studying, did I mention stress? I knew it wouldn’t be easy going back to school full-time, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. I thought that my part-time studies and full-time work would have prepared me for this, but it didn’t. I can’t count how many times I said to myself and to Him “I can’t do this, I made a mistake” (I’m sure he can’t either). I struggled through every class and every project, part fear of failing, part fighting to prove I could do it, and mostly just trying to keep my head above water and not quit. But a week or so after final exams, I can breathe a little easier and reflect, and this is what happened:

I had a breakthrough, an actual honest-to-God breakthrough, it happened slowly as my final marks came in (wait for it).

Now this post isn’t for me to brag to you and get you to congratulate me, or say “I knew you could do it”, this post is about me, for me; because I didn’t know I could do it. At the best of times I have pretty low self-esteem; sure I joke about how smart or funny I am, and I may have convinced you, but I certainly couldn’t convince myself.

Going back to school was the first thing I have done for myself in, well, ever. After years of trying to please everyone else I took a good look at my life and what I wanted out of it and made the decision (BIG thank you’s go out to “Little One” and Him for making it financially possible to make this happen, and for everyone for encouraging it). And yes, I was pretty proud of that, but this, this I achieved ON MY OWN, I can’t say I was just lucky, I can’t pass the success on to a team of people, I can’t say “well it’s all thanks to so-and-so” because no one else did my homework or wrote my exams. I did this, I made this happen, and I FUCKING ROCKED IT!!!!!

I can honestly say, probably for the first time ever, I’m so proud of myself and I believe I can accomplish my goals now.

So this post is to me in three months, six months, nine months, one year, two years and so on. Yes, you will struggle through, yes you will make sacrifices and yes it will be hard and there might be tears, but never doubt you can do it, because look what you did:



Not So Positive Experiment: Dating Advice – NSP Update #2 September 23, 2010

In response to “Golden Eye’s” comments and tips, (thank-you by the way, sorry it took so long to post up it was thrown into the Spam filter) I thought I’d tackle the “date-yourself” tip. This one is easy I love spending time alone, and frankly tackling this one first means I can take a brief break from cyber-dating, which incidentally is exhausting.

Back on track… date yourself (or rather myself)… since I love getting love notes, I thought I’d use this time to write one to myself. Look out future BF you have some serious work ahead of you if you want to top this one… (and you should want that).

*WARNING* I will be talking about myself in the third person from here on, normally I find this highly irritating but for the sake of the exercise I think it works best.

Why I Love You – An Ode to Me

You fuckin’ rock!

No seriously you do.

You are pretty but not too pretty, funny but not super silly.

You are thoughtful and kind.

You are generous and loyal.

You are the right amount of spiritual and cynical.

You are somehow both sentimental and tough. You don’t take crap from people but are careful to protect their feelings.

I wish more people could be like you.

You are sweet and yet salty, like chocolate covered pretzels (which sound like a good idea, but really they make me gag, so maybe this isn’t the best metaphor, but you know what I mean).

I love your taste in music, even though people around you make-fun.
Canadian indy-rock mixed with smaltzy lounge and smooth yacht rock with some old-school rap thrown in, really is a party on my iPod.

You are artsy but not flaky (OK maybe a little flaky, but it’s OK I love you anyway)

I love the fact that you have so many different groups of friends, it means you are able to relate to different people and situations.

I love that you love your family so much, and that your brothers are so protective of you, even though it means introducing them to men is a little scary.

I love that you are going back to school to finally pursue your dreams, and that your dreams involve helping people.

I love that you love to cook, and I know that people like Roomie also love it.

I love that you take pleasure in simple things, like the feeling of a brand new pair of socks. Seriously it is SWWWEEEETT!

I think you are an amazing person and I am lucky to have you in my life, I can’t believe more people don’t want to date you… sister, you are a catch!

Oh and you are so humble, that’s cool too…

OK that was fun, what’s next?! Crap! It’s more online dating isn’t it?